Disclaimer: My notes are not a summary of the book. I’m just saving ideas for myself, for later reflection. If I come across a surprising or inspiring idea, I save them in my own words or as exact quotations. My notes may not make sense to some readers, and you may find them out of context and that’s because these are my way of interpreting the books I’ve read. I highly recommend everybody to read the whole book, especially if you liked my notes. Links to buy the original book are available at the start and end of my notes.
Dale Carnegie
ISBN: 0-671-02703-4
Date Read – July 2022
7/10
Link to the Original Book: https://amzn.to/3xDTu8U
This book had a substantial effect on me, lots of pointers on ‘how to win friends & influence people’, multiple eye-openers on the perception of others whilst engaging with people in the past. Most certainly gained vast knowledge on how to conduct oneself on winning people, specially in situations when shyness occurs and inability to break out of the shell. The techniques described in this book may not be applicable in all situations and almost suggests use of flattery and people pleasing methods to achieve success. I’d dare to argue, if one ought to be so desperate for friendship or approval where manipulation of personality is suggested.
Notes / Quotes
PART 1 – Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1. If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive – Principle 1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do.”
“A great man shows his greatness, by the way he treats little men.”
In my own words, to get the most out of others, the last thing you’ll want to do is criticize, condemn or complain and especially if you need their help to achieve your goals. Appreciation, encouragement and praise is what we like to hear and thus what others like to hear too. Tolerance and kindness can help you achieve this as they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.
2. The Big secret of Dealing with People – Principle 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.
“The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.”
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
“Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
In my own words, the second principle is about having genuine interest and avoiding blatant flattery, it doesn’t work with intelligent people and you wouldn’t want it on you either. It’s easier to connect with people if you have similar interests or if you can arouse enthusiasm for the other person’s subject of passion.
3. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walk a lonely way – Principle 3 Arouse the other person with an eager want.
“Best piece of advice for persuaders, whether in business or at home.”
In my own words, if you are selling something, where a product or an idea, no one cares about how great your product is and how efficient it may be, or how pretty it looks. Unless you arouse their eager want. In a nutshell, every human wants the following: –
Food, Sleep, Money, Health, Sex and the feeling of importance. One who can tap in to want and excite the opposite can achieve great heights.
PART 2 – Six Ways to Make People Like You
1. Do this and you’ll be welcome anywhere – Principle 1 Become genuinely interested in other people.
“Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.”
“I have come to you for help because I can’t think of anyone else who would be more capable of giving me the facts I want. I’ll deeply appreciate whatever help you can give me.”
In my own words, love attracts love and it’s got to show. If you are able to give out genuine love you’ll get this right back at you. Even asking for favors can be done with love by adding praise and mentioning how important their help is to you.
2. A Simple Way to make a good first impression – Principle 2 Smile
“Your smile comes through in your voice.”
“It costs nothing, but creates much.”
“It enriches those who receive, with our impoverishing those who give.”
“It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.”
“For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have not left to give.”
3. If you don’t do this, you are headed for trouble – Principle 3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
“One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship.” “To forget is oblivion.”
In my own words, everybody loves their name, use it. Try it on a person working behind a counter with a name tag one day, you’ll certainly find a world of a difference than a normal interaction between a cashier and customer.”
4. An easy way to become a good conversationalist – Principle 4 Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves.
“Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.”
“I really know you love me because whenever I want to talk to you about something you stop whatever you are doing and listen to me.”
“Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.”
In my own words, talk less, listen more. It may be difficult to drop everything and listen to someone in this day and age, where the world is spinning so fast around you, perhaps focus on who/what matters to you most. Something we do naturally for your subject of interest.
5. How to interest People – Principle 5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interest
“I decided to find out what interested this man, what caught his enthusiasm.”
“Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties.”
6. How to make people like you instantly – Principle 6 Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
“What is there about him that I can honestly admire? This is sometimes a hard question to answer, especially with strangers.”
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
PART 3 – How to win people to your way of thinking
1. You can’t win an argument – Principle 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
“Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.”
“Avoid it like you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.”
“You can’t win an argument because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph.”
“I often walked out of an office saying: I told that bird something. Sure I had told him something, but I hadn’t sold him anything.”
“Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love, Buddha.”
”If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.”
How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument: –
- Welcome the disagreement – if there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it’s brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
- Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful and be calm.
- Control your temper – Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
- Listen first
- Look for areas of agreement
- Be honest
- Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully
- Thank you opponents sincerely for their interest – Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
- Postpone your action to give both sides time to think through the problem – ask yourself some hard questions: is my opponent right or partly right? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them close to me> Will I win or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
2. A sure way of making enemies – and how to avoid it – Principle 2 Show respect to the other person’s opinions. Never say, “you’re wrong.”
“You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words.”
“You have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgement, pride and self-respect.”
“This is a challenge, It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start.”
“I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong.”
In my own words, if someone is wrong, it’s not your job to point this out. Only fools will correct them and lose voters. Let it slide. If necessary you can ask questions about how they came to that verdict/conclusion and hope they will see they’re wrong themselves, without you having to point this out.
3. If you’re wrong, admit it – Principle 3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
“My eagerness to criticize myself took all the fight out of him.”
“By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding, you get more than you expected.”
In my own words, recap the dog, squirrel and policeman story on page 127 of the book. Excellent example for gaining success even when being caught doing wrong after being warned.
4. Drop of Honey – Principle 4 Begin in a friendly way
“If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in the world.”
“They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if you are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.”
“A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”
5. The secret of Socrates – Principle 5 – Get the other person saying yes, yes immediately.
In my own words, this chapter suggests the opposite to the negotiation book‘ Split the difference”. May not be applicable in all situations or complicated negotiations. Could be applied to small and easy transactions.
6. The safety valve is handling complaints – Principle 6 Let the other person do a great deal of talking.
“If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”
”Only mention your joys when asked.”
In my own words, talk less, listen more.
7. How to get cooperation – Principle 7 Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers.
“Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgement to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions-and let the other person think out the conclusion?”
8. A formula that will work wonders for you – Principle 8 Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
“Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.”
9. What everybody wants – Principle 9 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
“After all, if I were she, I would probably feel just as she does.”
“Sympathy, the human species universally craves.”
In my own words, it may work best when handling complaints.
10. An Appeal that everybody likes – Principle 10 Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. The movies do it. Tv does it. Why don’t you do it? Principle 11 Dramatize your ideas.
“You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life.”
“I said, you are literally throwing pennies every time a customer goes through your line. With that I threw a handful of pennies on the floor. He quickly became much more attentive.”
In my own words, being a drama queen works in your favor sometimes lol.
12. When nothing else works, try this – Principle 12 Throw down a challenge.
“The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”
PART 4 – Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentment
1. If you must find fault, this is the way to begin – Principle 1 Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. How to Criticize and not be hated for it – Principle 2 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
”We’re really proud of you Jonnie for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better. In this case, Jonnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word “but”. He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnny’s attitude towards his studies. This could be easily overcome by change the word “but” to “and”. We’re really proud of you Jonnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”
3. Talk about your own mistakes first – Principle 3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
4. No one likes to take orders – Principle 4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
“You might consider this? Do you think that would work? What do you think of this?”
“He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.”
In my own words, always best if the other person volunteers to take up tasks and projects rather than you giving orders. In order to get volunteers, ask questions and make suggestions.
5. Let the other person save face – Principle 5 Let the other person save face.
“Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is!”
“Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.”
In my own words, it also limits awkward interactions. It can be very humiliating if we can’t save face, so always leave room for others to do so.
6. How to spur people on to success – Principle 6 Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet while most of us are only too ready to appeal to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow people the warm sunshine of praise.”
“Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.”
“To become a more effective leader for people, apply the principle above.”
7. Give a dog a good name – Principle 7 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
“In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her understanding characteristics.”
8. Make the fault seem easy to correct – Principle 8 Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
“That encouraged me. That game gave me hope. That made me want to improve.”
In my own words, positivity is key. Focus on the bigger picture and don’t make a big deal out of someone’s flaws.
9. Making People Glad to do what you want – Principle 9 Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
“He has a delightful way of putting things; he created the impression that by accepting this great honor, I would be doing him a favor.”
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
- Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to the other person.
- Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
- Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
- Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
- Match those benefits to the other person’s wants
- When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
Link to the Original Book: https://amzn.to/3xDTu8U
